


damned if you do(n't)

by schweet_heart



Series: Merlin Fic [201]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Era, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schweet_heart/pseuds/schweet_heart
Summary: There are plenty of reasons why you should(n't) kiss him. These are just a few of them.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Fic [201]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/70688
Comments: 67
Kudos: 307
Collections: Finish that Fic Merlin!





	1. damned if you do

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not repost elsewhere or list my fic on Goodreads (or any other similar spaces).

**1\. arthur**

the first reason why you should kiss him is because you’re making lists in your head about why it’s a good idea to kiss him (hint: it has everything to do with the way he smiles and nothing to do with the sadness in his eyes).

the second reason is because of the way he looks at you, all blue eyes and black hair, charming, oafish, never the same thing twice. you can’t keep up with him, sometimes, but that just makes you try harder, become more desperate to follow wherever he leads.

the third reason is because of his hands. when he undresses you, he is so careful, like he thinks you might possibly break with rough handling. not because he’s scared of you, like the others were, and not because he’s worried about his job—you know that neither of these things concern him, because he always gives as good as he gets. no, he’s gentle because he wants to be, because ~~he cares~~ he’s Merlin.

if you kiss him, perhaps you could start with his hands, but second of all would be his lips; soft, plump, biteable. thirdly you would move on to his neck, with which he torments you daily, and fourthly…fourthly you would kiss his mouth again, for the stupid things it says, for the way he encourages you, lifts you up when you feel like you can go no further, teases you when you’re anxious, comforts you when you are sad. that’s probably another good reason to kiss him right there.

Gwen would approve, probably. she’s always saying you should tell him how you feel, and you haven’t the heart to explain that you already have—except that he thinks you were talking about her. you probably shouldn’t have lied to him but he’s always pushing you towards her, and lately you feel like you can’t take it anymore. doesn’t he understand? you’ve known Gwen half your life, if not longer, and she knows you in a way that few other people do, but _Merlin_ is the one who is your other half.

the sixth and seventh reasons why you should kiss him are just because it would feel so good, you’re sure of it, to have him under your hands and in your arms and wanting you. if only you could be certain about whether he truly wants you to. if only you knew for sure whether or not he loves you back.


	2. damned if you don't

**2\. merlin**

there are plenty of reasons not to kiss him.

the number one reason, of course, is that he’s a prince, heir to the throne, ruler of all he surveys; he’s your best friend and your other half and the sun around which your life revolves, and if you kiss him—well. there’s always the chance that he won’t kiss you back, and then what happens to your destiny? it doesn’t bear thinking about.

there are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t kiss him. the dragon would laugh, for one thing, about all the times you’ve proclaimed loudly and emphatically how much your hatred of him has kept you up at nights, plotting ways to kill him without getting caught. it’s not killing him that you imagine, though, not unless it is possible to kill someone with kindness, with kisses, not unless loving someone is a fatal disease.

there is also Gaius, who would disapprove. you can already see him glaring at you with his eyebrow raised, reminding you as he always does that you have to keep your gifts secret and your proclivities nonexistent. sometimes it seems like all you talk about is how you shouldn’t talk to anyone about anything that matters. sometimes it feels like all you do is swallow your tongue, keep your silence, when all the while everything you are is spilling out of you, messy and impossible and bright.

does Arthur see it, you wonder. does he see you?

the third and perhaps most important reason you shouldn’t kiss him is Gwen. dear, sweet, inoffensive Gwen, who has done nothing to deserve that kind of heartbreak. Gwen fell in love with Arthur first, or at least, she has the prior claim, having known him the longest and being a woman and not a man, an ordinary human being and not a filthy sorcerer. she is worthy of him in all the ways that you are not: honest, forthright, gentle, kind, capable. it’s no wonder Arthur dreams of her and not of you.

Arthur’s father would not approve either. there would probably be executions; there would definitely be pain. Arthur is always so eager to impress his father. you don’t want to believe that he would throw you to the wolves just for a glimpse of Uther’s approval, but you can’t entirely discount the idea, either.

and then, of course, there’s Arthur himself.

Arthur who smiles at you in the morning and it’s like the sun has come up all over again.

Arthur who throws things at you when he’s upset—and he’s always upset—but still takes care to miss as often as he can. Arthur who laughs at you, who teases you, who would do anything for you.

Arthur who is full of contradictions, the worst of them being how much he makes you love him even as you want to wring his neck.

Arthur doesn’t love you. you know that much already, without having to ask, because it’s obvious, isn’t it: who could love someone who lies and lies to them, someone who can’t even perform the simplest tasks without screwing things up, someone who kills people and feels no remorse?

the biggest of all the reasons not to kiss him is right there in front of you every time you look into his eyes or catch yourself staring at his dazzling smile.

he

doesn’t

love

you

back.

and gods willing, you can be sure he never will.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're all doing okay out there during lockdown, friends. Stay home, stay safe, wash your hands – and come and flail with me on Tumblr if you want someone to talk to ♥️ 
> 
> [ [link](https://schweetheart.tumblr.com) ]


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